task one:ideas cont

    I know alot of people are having trouble today, I don't know if it's a product of enviroment or the way we are born, but depression is very hard to live with.
    14 years ago after my son was born, I started showing signs. I had no idea what was going on. I was tired all the time, didn't have the interest in things I used to and even personal relationships had no importance. I wanted to sleep and be alone. I couldn't think correctly, just putting thoughts in order or daily tasks, like doing the dishes seemed to be like climbing  a  mountain. In 2002, I had my first breakdown, I was sent to the hospital where I finally realized, hey I am not alone. There were people there worse off than me and I had to wonder how long this had been going on. Why had I never heard of this.
     The mental ward is never a place I wish anyone to be. I am a free thinker however and this allowed me to see, that as bad as I felt, there were alot worse situations. I remember sitting in the lounge on the second day and there was this really pretty young girl on the phone with a car dealership ordering a Ford F-150, she wanted it to be canary yellow, big tires, four wheel drive and she wanted to pay $75,000 with her payments around $200.00 a month. I am sitting there overhearing this, still with no knowlege of how mental illness worked in our brains, thinking this girl is really trying to impress someone but I am not sure she understands the process of buying a new vehichle. Yes, I am very nieve I stick my head in the sand and that is probably why I didnt recognize that she was "sick". I honestly thought at the time that she was one of the nurses. In group that afternoon, I found out what By-polar was and it broke my heart. This free spending nurse was a new mother and she was By-polar. I just sat there looking at her, thinking I never would have guessed that and my heart went out to her. It was then I decided, to learn as much as I could about mental health and try to help. I also, realized, "Hey, you are doing pretty well, compared to some and get yourself up!. I wish that is all it took to heal the mind, hormones and chemicals in your brain. I was prescribed a bunch of medicines, went through group sessions, did the arts and crafts hour like a good kindergartner and  learned all I could from the nurses and they sent me home. I was thinking, 'I got this you aren't one of them, you have nothing to worry about."
     In 2005, I was back in the hospital, worse this time. I was thinking I wasnt worth anything and that my son didnt deserve to have someone like me as a mother and that I was no use in this world. I just remember how dark it was,  in my mind and my thinking, there was no light to lift me and I would to GOD all the time that he would bring me back up. I was in therapy at the time and this is when I met my doctor. I was a mess and he sent me to the hospital immediately, I wanted to hurt myself. I know, how do people get that way and that is just crazy, it's a cop out, what about your family how would they feel. I know what you are thinking. However, when you get down that far, you have no control over this. It's like the devil has ahold of you and the more you pray the more he pulls you down. That's the only way I know how to explain this. You arent thinking I will hurt my family, you think you dont matter, you think you are just taking up space and that everyone would be better off without you. In my case I just had no self worth, I had just been divorced, he didnt want me so why would anyone else, I must be a horrible person, why would anyone want to be around me. In my ex-husbands defense, if I didnt understand what was wrong with me, why would he. That is a whole different story, so we will move on.
     What I am trying to get across is that you could be sitting beside the most cheerful, smart funny person you have ever met in your life and inside this person lies a demon, that takes over their life when no one is looking, you put on whatever face you have to, to get through the day so that no one will think, "my GOD they are crazy or what is wrong with her." That's right you hide you are afraid someone will know and talk about you and want answer and you have none. All you know to say is that it is a medical condition and I am trying.